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Stay Young America!


Dec 23, 2019

Title: “Surviving the Holidays When Relationships Are Strained”

Guest: Fran Walfish

Main Segment

It’s the holidays and that means spending time with those you love and perhaps those you aren’t so fond of as well. When relationships are strained it can have a direct impact on your health, so we asked Dr. Fran Walfish, America’s favorite psychologist to join us today.

Notes from Fran:

The Holidays accelerate stress and anxiety for everyone.  Hostesses and hosts want everything to go smoothly.  Without intending to, they attempt to control the environment which sometimes includes family members.  Frustration tolerance lowers, fuses blow, tempers flare, and feelings get hurt. Parents want their kids to behave showing perfect manners and kids want their parents off their backs!  Folks need to expect family members to slip up and err.  When you expect a letdown your disappointment is not as deep.  Make an “exit plan” with your spouse/partner.  Discuss this in advance so that you in the event things become out of control and unbearable you have a smooth way of making a clean getaway.

People who suffer from ambient anxiety generally have not yet developed enough of an internal psychological and emotional barrier. Things they see and hear about penetrate them to the core. There is not enough internal protective layering for traumatic information to avoid internal shake-ups. 

The antidote and objective is for these women to develop a stronger identity and sense of self.  Once we have a clear awareness of who we are including personal views/opinions on life, relationships, religion, politics, morals, ethics, character, and values - only then can we set firm boundaries.  Boundaries are required to stop unwanted information (and behaviors) from coming in and penetrating us to the core.

The process of picking up on external stress and beginning to impact your own stress level is quick and automatic (without thought, or "unconscious").  The person usually feels an immediate rise in anxiety and a feeling of being taken over by their thoughts, worries, and fears.  The anxiety takes on a life of it's own and the person feels they can't control their thoughts and emotions.  Often, accompanying physical symptoms emerge including increased heart rate or palpitations, sweating, dizziness or lightheadedness, nausea, sensation of hot and cold, and in extreme cases, panic attacks.  Ambient anxiety can have a cumulative effect.  The more times you experience it the more susceptible you become next time you hear bad news.

The reason for the ongoing increase is largely cultural.  Most American family are living in financial times where it takes two paychecks to make ends meet.   Women are more exhausted with higher demands and living at a faster pace.  When they come home from work, moms do not want to argue and fight with their kids. Many feel guilty about not being there with their kids all day.  So, these moms cut their kids slack, too much slack. Often, mothers say no but don't follow through.  Or, they say yes when they know they should say no. 

Boundaries are much less clear today for children than in earlier times.  When boundaries are not clear the path ahead splits into multiple forks in the road.  Some kids find their way while others turn to drugs, sexual acting-out, and other deviant paths.  There are many children, girls in particular, who suffer from anxiety.  Thus, the higher rate of ambient anxiety." 

Also, today we live in an electronic world.  People are constantly plugged into Facebook, Twitter, etc.  News information and graphic photographs/videos are communicated and transmitted instantly.  This makes for more reactivity and emotionality in people who have a tendency toward ambient anxiety.  It also is an opportunity for the individual to have more control.  They can log on only when they want.  They can turn it off immediately when too much information is coming at them.

Below are Dr. Fran Walfish’s actionable tips:  

*  Less Is More - Limit your daily news intake.  Choose to read your news online so you can control what and how much goes into your consciousness.

*  Avoid Negative People.  While trying to keep a positive attitude, you must avoid people who thrive on negativity.

*  Pay it Forward.  When you feel overwhelmed, reach out and do something nice for someone else.  Being generous in words and actions creates positive feelings for the doer and gets your endorphins flowing.

*  Serious Self Care.  Taking seriously good care of yourself is crucial to your happiness.  This includes what you eat drink, think, how much you move your body, and how much you rest.

*  Become an Observing Detective.  When news is stressful, instead of reacting, panicking, or future tripping about what "could" happen, try to step out of the storm long enough to become an observer.  Being an observer keeps you in a calm, slightly detached place, which helps you become more solution-oriented.

*  Affirm what you want in your life.  Take responsibility for what you hold in your mind.  "Thoughts become things…choose the good ones!" (Guru, Mike Dooley)  Keeping a positive attitude and seeing the glass half full is a habit.  Try a behavioral approach.  Get a rubber band and place it on your wrist.  Whenever you recognize a negative thought or reactive fear, snap the rubber band.  This moment of discomfort will take your focus off of the fear and bring it to your wrist. This gives you the option to focus on your fear (what MAY happen) or replace it with a more optimistic view (what you WANT to happen).

  1. FRAN’S TOP 10 TIPS FOR HANDLING THE HOLIDAYS
  2. Provide routine and structure. Without the routine and structure of school during Winter vacation kids’ energy levels often escalate.  Structure calms children down.
  3. Keep bedtimes and mealtimes the same. So much else is changed during the Holidays including visiting relatives, traveling, over-indulgence in food and gifts.
  4. Keep your expectations realistic. Don’t expect your 3 year-old to sit at the table demonstrating perfect table manners.  Expect kids to have fun and occasionally err.
  5. Sit close to the child who needs extra guidance and support to handle the over-stimulation of added noise, visiting guests, and fine china at the dinner table. Children under the age of 4 years should sit next to a supportive adult who can help them with table behavior.
  6. Promote gratitude and appreciation. Teach your child(ren) to genuinely thank the giver of a gift.  If your child makes comments like, “I don’t like that” or “I wanted something else”, have your child correct it right then and there.  Correcting is not an apology.  It’s restating your comment in a respectful way.
  7. Teach kids to react politely if they are disappointed with the gift they receive. Teach empathy with kindness by helping your child imagine what it feels like to see a disappointed face on the receiver of the gift.
  8. Assign jobs to your children. Nothing feels more important than being needed as part of the team.   Let her set the table or allow him to bring the dirty dishes to the kitchen.  Find ways to engage your kids teaching responsibility and building their self-esteem with the pride of accomplishment.
  9. Try to maintain a sense of humor and stay flexible.
 Sometimes plans may need to be altered or revised to accommodate your children’s needs. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Ask yourself what difference will this make one year from now?
  10. Focus on family togetherness. Contrary to popular belief, what kids love most about Christmas and Hanukah is not the gifts, it is the bonding and coming together of family.  The adults who come to my office do not remember what they “got” as a child for the Holidays.  But they do remember family dinners, parties, and unity.  This is why divorced families endure added challenges during Holiday time.
  11. Accept the fact that anxiety and stress rises during the Holidays. Be realistic. Watch out for any personal wish to make the Holidays a “Perfect, magical time”.  You will be setting yourself up for a huge letdown.  The more relaxed and flexible you are the more calm and happy your child will be. 

SLEEP RELATED TIPS TO REDUCE ANXIETY

  1. See your medical doctor to examine and rule out any medical cause for the sudden change. You want to be sure you have no infection or kidney problems.
  2. Always go to bed at the same time and set your alarm for wake up at the same time. This get your body rhythms used to a regular routine.
  3. Create a routine that winds you down in the evening and sets the mood for sleep. After dinner, dim the lights turn on calming music, and take a soothing warm bath.
  4. Do light reading. No TV or computer before bed.  These activities tend to rev up anxiety and excitatory threshold versus relax and calm you down.
  5. EAT FOODS to help get a good night’s sleep:
  6. Drink milk, eat turkey, cheese, yogurt, or ice-cream before bed. Yes, there is truth to the old saying about hot milk! The ingredient tryptophan has a natural calming agent that actually relaxes you without medication.
  7. Eat oats and oatmeal. They are rich in melatonin, a hormone which promotes sleep.
  8. Honey not only tastes good but contains glucose which sends a message to the brain telling it to shut off orexin. Also known as hypocretin, orexin is the chemical which regulates arousal, wakefulness, and appetite.
  9. Almonds, like turkey and dairy products, are also rich in tryptophan. They also contain magnesium, a muscle-relaxant which, along with tryptophan, helps to naturally reduce muscle and nerve function while also steadying your heart rhythm.
  10. Bananas are high in magnesium. They’re also rich in sleep-promoting hormones serotonin and melatonin.
  11. Eat pumpkin seeds. Not only are pumpkin seeds good for you, they are also packed full of magnesium. Magnesium works to relax your muscles and is often used to help relive aches and pains.
  12. Eat foods high in natural serotonin. Tryptophan is works like serotonin, the body’s happy hormone that maintains mood. Tryptophan occurs naturally in certain foods, such as fish, whole grains, almonds and eggs, so you can use them in your evening meal to help you sleep.
  13. Eat cherries. The delicious fruit has been found to contain small levels of melatonin, the hormone that regulates our sleep cycles,
  14. Lay off the wine. Drinking alcohol is a bad decision if you are trying to get a good night’s sleep.
  15. While it may make you feel sleepy after a while, it actually blocks tryptophan from getting to the brain.
  16. Chamomile tea before bed to encourage relaxation.

“Executive Medicine Moment”

Executive Medicine of Texas believes in treating the whole patient not just a symptom. That’s why executive medicine of Texas offers half day exams that dig deep into a patient’s health and gives real actionable advice on how to live longer and healthier. Visit EMTexas.com to learn more about our executive physicals, concierge medicine programs, and age management.

 

Dr. Walfish – Tell our listeners where they can get more information about you.

 

“Pressing Health”- Health news that’s fresh off the press

Speaking of family. A new study shows that post-menapausal grandma whales that are close to their grand calves actually increase the chances for survival. Turns out the grandma whales learned a thing or two about how to survive. If you’re thinking you’re too old to provide anything or if you’re young and don’t appreciate your grandparents – it’s time to realize that NATURE gives grandparents a vital role in our survival. Even baby killer whales need their grandmas!

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/12/191209161339.htm

https://www.emtexas.com/services

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Join us next time as we explore how to gain productivity and reach peak performance with author Gary Epler.